Waiting for her Last Breath

Nonna Maria with her hero, Padre Pio

I'm sure you've been wondering why I haven't posted in a while. As some of you may be aware, my grandmother is very ill. However, writing my blog is very therapeutic, so today I've decided to let you in on what I'm living these days.
I've been spending my days by my grandmother's bedside, watching her take her final breaths. For two-and-a half years, she's been battling cancer. We observed first hand, the torture that comes with chemo. And though she experienced every possible side effect, the most traumatic consequence was that of losing her hair. At 78 years old, she treasured every lock. Every strand of grey had a story. When chemo came to an end, she was overjoyed to see her hair grow back. It was a rebirth to what would be the final chapter in her life.
My Nonna Maria has been my pillar since childhood. She practically raised me, and as most grandparents, she also spared me punishments and 'time outs'. Her compassion radar was so acute and connected to every person she came across. Perhaps her mindfulness to be loving and kind was rooted in her devotion to God, Jesus Christ, and the Church. She found such comfort in the words of the Holy Bible, absorbing every proclamation. Oftentimes, she'd recite a passage from the Bible as a means to justify her thoughts on a matter. One day, as we talked about her suffering, she looked at me and said in Italian, "Gesù ha sofferto per noi, ed anche noi dobbiamo soffrire" (Jesus suffered for us, so we must suffer as well). She never wanted pity for her pain. Until last week-end, she still fought to lead a normal life while on the cusp of death. Her name is holy, her faith is inarguable, and her spirit is pure. She's truly a rare human being that I'm blessed to have shared my life with.
Nonna Maria represents a woman who is committed to giving; a daughter who was guided by love; a sister who nurtured her 7 siblings; a wife who, even during chemo, remained dedicated to serving to husband; and most importantly, is her role as a mother. She has told me countless times, that a mother is always a mother. Through every trial, tribulation, accomplishment, or failure, she is wholly devoted to her two children, four grandchildren, and four great grandchildren.
I sit beside her each day, reciting the rosary, while watching her slowly make her way to the gates of Heaven. Every day, I hope to see her eyes open, so she can catch one final glimpse of my faithful eyes. I know she'll be in a peaceful place, watching over us, anticipating our next milestone.
Watching someone die is beyond painful. The last eye contact I had with her, she shed a tear. That tear was made up of every treasured memory we shared. Through this grievous experience, I've turned to my Buddhist guru for enlightenment. His words have been so comforting, so I want to share them with all of you so that you can live a more mindful life, like Nonna Maria did.
 "Life is impermanent, but that does not mean that it is not worth living. It is precisely because of its impermanence that we value life so dearly. Therefore we must know how to live each moment deeply and use it in a responsible way. If we are able to live the present moment completely, we will not feel regret later. We will know how to care for those who are close to us and how to bring them happiness. When we accept that all things are impermanent, we will not be incapacitated by suffering when things decay and die." - Thich Nhat Hanh
In the last months, I've been privileged to have spent my free time with my grandmother. I realized that being present for someone you care deeply about, is the best gift you can offer. Remember that. Be present, so when it's time to let go, you'll have no regrets.
Namaste.

3 Ways to Fuck Cancer

pintrest.com

We've all heard it before. Your mother, sister, grandfather, friend, or you - "You have Cancer". As you absorb those heavy words, you visualize a train heading at full speed, in your direction.
According to cancer.ca, 'Cancer is a disease that mostly affects Canadians aged 50 and older, but it can occur at any age.' May be it's time to adjust that statement since, in the last 2 years, I have known 5 people, UNDER 40, whose lives were taken by this bullshit disease! Wake up human race! We're all on the battlefield and unless you start arming yourself with the right ammunition, you'll be next!
#1. Food
Why are so many of us battling this merciless disease? Yes, the hormones, pesticides, aspartame, dioxin, genetically altered seeds (thanks Monsanto!) do contribute to the overwhelming increase in tumours. After all, we're eating and drinking small amounts of toxic crap daily, thus weakening our immune system over time. So, #1 Eat Sensibly. I'm not saying you can’t indulge in fast food or Tim Horton’s iced lattes, but be conscious of what you're eating. If you're eating habits are poor, include supplements in your diet. Running low on energy? Take some Royal Jelly (its bee pollen available at any natural health store). Hate eating veggies? Take a shot of wheatgrass daily. Get informed on easy dietary adjustments to keep your immune system healthy. Should cancer surface, your body will be prepared to defend itself.
#2. Tune In
We all love to hear ourselves talk, but while we're yapping away, we can't hear what our body is trying to tell us. If you have a reoccurring symptom, don't ignore it. If you feel comforted by antibiotics/band aid solutions, stop! Take responsibility for your body. Ask questions. Get to the root of the physical illness. From a sore throat, to a runny nose, to a dislocated knee, there's a wholistic reason behind each condition. Look beyond the literal of, "My neck is sore because I made a sharp turn". Your neck is sore because MAY BE you're a little stubborn, inflexible and refuse to see other sides of a situation. I'm definitely no doctor, but I've studied wholistic health and this is how we approach all distresses. It's never just black and white. There are always multiple layers to the final outcome, which I prefer to call a rainbow. So, #2 listen to your body. First it whispers, then it talks, then it yells. By the time it yells, it's so pissed off at you, it makes you suffer.
#3. Accept & Let Go
I believe that 98% of dis-ease is caused by stress. We all know stress and we all deal with it differently. Stress isn't only related to work, your kids, or financial worry. Stress is like a seed that you plant in your body. When you live through trauma such as, a loss, divorce, abandonment, abuse, rape, or any circumstance you cannot seem to let go of, you are watering a distressed seed. Your seed is growing when you suppress your anger, sadness, fear related to your trauma. You must deal with your suffering. How do you do that? Let your pain live out of your body. Try a contact sport, like boxing, even pounding a pillow works. Whatever will allow your body to release untapped emotions, is healthy.
We all suffer, but at different times. You're not alone. Crawl out of your darkness one tear at a time. Let go of what you cannot control. The cold, hard truth is that resistance will land you sitting across an MD who'll tell you, "You have Cancer". Every single person I know whose ill awakened their disease after something traumatic took place or after years of suppressing their emotions. So, start taking action. You can choose to repress, resist and nurture your tumour to grow or you can help yourself. Get unstuck because you matter.
If you'd like any info on therapists, energy healers, self-help books, please don't hesitate to send me a personal and confidential message to my email address: marisa1276@gmail.com.
For anyone who is living with any illness, I send you love and light - the light is always there, but you'll only see it when you're ready.
Namaste.

 

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,
There will come a day when you will be able to read this letter. As Mother's Day approaches, I wanted to honour this occasion by giving you the gift of my written words. Soon you'll be 5 years old, which confirms that time doesn't come with a pause app.
When you were born, my dear friend, Mary Ann, gave me a book entitled, 'I Was a Really Good Mom Before I had Kids'. Right there, at the Jewish General Hospital, the Universe saw the future! The title of that book was so telling, it revealed my maternal challenges in waiting. I'll admit, you were a good sleeper (thank God); you weren't a fussy eater (yipee); you were a dream jet setter (Amen) - BUT boy, were you ever active! Before you could walk, you wanted to fly. I still think that if you don't become the next Barbara Walters, you'll be the main attraction in a Cirque du Soeil production.
Looking back at my high school years, I clearly recall Nancy's mom telling me I'd one day be a reporter! I loved (still do) hearing myself talk before large audiences. Like me, you've been blessed with the 'gift-of-gab'. Although, most days, my tone hits a high pitch with a hint of anger, you know how to revert me back to 4 years old!
You see Chloe, you're my mirror, so whenever you show me something I don't like about myself, I get irritated. There's no doubt that you're my most treasured teacher. No one pokes at my inner child as often as you do. Yet amidst the verbal chaos, the highlight of my day comes when I tuck you in bed and you recite how much you love me: "I love you like the sky, the moon, the stars, the rainbows, the butterflies, the grass, the flowers, the water, the whole Universe". Sometimes you even include the wallpaper in your room, lip gloss, and a pack of gum!
There are days when I wonder why you picked me to be your Mommy. Then I remember my childhood and how scared I was of whatever I couldn't control. Whether it was the ocean, flying, amusement rides, or even dogs, they all made me feel anxious. But not you Chloe. You instead have this impulsive attitude that gets a rush out of fearful circumstances. You're likely to ride the heart pounding rollercoaster at the fair, dive into the deep end of the pool and celebrate a bumpy airplane landing!! I have no idea how YOU came outta ME. May be you picked me as your Mommy because you have so much to teach me.
So on my fourth Mother's Day, I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have you in my life. You're a committed big sister, who eagerly mentors your little brother to be daring. And though we learn from eachother, I admire your perseverance to get what you want. I believe you'll always be like a firework - bright, dramatic, and bursting with awe, awe, awe! May you forever be stimulated while 'interviewing' others, tempted by adventure, and compassionate towards yourself. Thank you for your daily teachings of patience, acceptance, love and deep breathing.
Love you to the moon and back,
Mommy Marisa