'Be kind' has been my signature statement for months, but today kindness felt so unfamiliar to me. Here I was thinking she was angry about a conversation we had earlier, when in turn she was saddened by my consistently angry state. She cried, then I cried. Her pain reunited me with my own pain that dated back to my first job. My boss wasn't human. Instead of blood running through his veins, it was venom. I could've moved the Eiffel Tower into his office and he'd point out that the Trevi fountain holds more meaning. No matter what I did, or how hard I worked, he was never satisfied. So when she told me that I didn't appreciate anything, I crumbled. Who the hell am I? Yes, I admit I'm working on my patience, but am I really that imbalanced?
I'm struggling with self-love right now. I find it almost impossible to believe I'm an amazing human being after being told her reality of me is different. She definitely owns her pain, the same way in which we all do. No one can "make" anyone feel bad, but you certainly can awaken someone's buried sufferings. I have no desire to be that person. My mission is to uplift people by providing tools to help them connect to their best Self. I guess that only happens at the yoga studio :( Back at home, it's a whole other reality that's much less marketable.
We all have our bad days, but this is coming from someone who lives with me. Her references of my mean streak went beyond a few PMS days. Though my home is where I'm most vulnerable, raw and real, it's painful to hear that my actions could be so hurtful. As I pathetically tried to defend (not deny) my actions, I realized I had no defence. She was holding up a mirror with guilty written across it in bold. You can sit in meditation for a half hour, connect to an emotion, cry it out and feel lighter. But you can also have someone tell you their feelings about your actions, and feel ashamed and heavy. Yup, meditation is looking way more fun right now.
So how am I going to shake this sadness? I'm going to breathe, take accountability, learn from this experience. I'm also going to make a commitment to live my yoga off the mat. Of course it's easier to feel peace and love on my "magic carpet" for 2 hours. When I get off the high though, is when yoga really matters. Reflection is like a detox cleanse that we could all do once in a while. Nothing wrong with cleaning out the toxins in our bodies, or mind, or spirit. Yes, our spirit has toxins - they're made up of the Ego! This is my AH-HA moment of the day - I'm often lead by my Ego when I'm at home. I think it's time to send it on a hiatus because it's serving me nothing but guilt and shame. Who the heck wants that?
If you read this post, thanks for allowing me to dump my emotional garbage. I may be judged, or even disappoint some of you. Frankly, I'm disappointed in myself too. This is one of those moments in life I like to call "reality check" (prefer reality "cleanse"). May you all find a tiny hole of light in your darkest moments. Be kind to yourself - even if it's a struggle. Shanti.
