Prayer for Pascale

Pascale on her wedding day

I knew the day would come when I'd be writing a post about the devil: aka Cancer. I lost a few instrumental heroes to this merciless disease. I can create a family tree of all those I love and have lost. My grandfather, Donato; my mentor, Lou Adler; famous friend/restaurateur, Santo Buffone; warrior mom, sister, daughter and friend, Cathy Procopio; and now I have my dear grandmother, Nonna Maria and friend, Pascale both battling in the trenches.
As I write this, my former colleague and friend, Pascale is in active duty on the assault line. She's tirelessly fighting the enemy. She has ammunition to support her - her husband, her stepson, her devoted family, and an incredible fanbase of friends, encouraging her through combat.
I can sit here and bitch about how Cancer torments with great physical and mental anguish, but I refuse to make this about the enemy. This is a dedication to my friend who is a warrior unlike any other. This is the second time she takes on this devil. As soon as she crushed Cancer the last time, she was back at work.
A talented artist and graphic designer, Pascale has the gift of making a pencil dance on paper. Each sketch of the human face she creates, seems to look into your soul. Pascale is a perfectionist, so when she made finding love her mission, it manifested into Martin, aka Mr. Perfect.
I'm not sure why Pascale has been chosen to experience this indescribable suffering. What I am sure of though, is that she won't be defeated by Cancer. No chemo, radiation or infection will destroy her Spirit. I want to share Pascale's battle with everyone because she deserves to be honored for her perseverance, her immeasurable courage, and most importantly, for her motivation to prevail over her enemy.
Pascale, there's no doubt you feel our collective energy around you. We're all on the sidelines cheering you on! No one will ever know what you're living both physically and mentally, but we do know is the strength of your Spirit and we have hope.
Edited from Marianne Williamson:
Dear God,
Please place Your hand upon Pascale (and all like her who suffer)
and heal her body, mind and soul.
Fill every cell with love and light.
Restore her to Your endless peace.
And so it is.
Amen

A Mother...

Warrior Mom

A Mother comes to your rescue when you're overwhelmed....expresses interest in the unfolding of your day....offers comfort when you feel defeated....listens to you ramble in self-doubt without judgement....believes in your potential....serves as your punching bag when you're distressed....provides unconditional support....will always be your biggest fan....accepts you just the way you are....candidly reminds you that you weren't an easy child either....shows compassion when you're a mess....encourages you to rest....is dependable when you're in the trenches...ends every phone call with 'I love you'. Though I often take my Mom for granted, that's not the case today. Thich Nhat Hanh said, "When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?". Praise the people in your life who show up for the cheers and the tears.

We are NEVER EVER getting back Together

Dear Anxiety,
We've got to stop meeting like this! Just when I've moved on, you reappear begging to come back into my life. Who do you think you are? You think you can just crawl back into my mind and make me believe that I'm crazy, weak, scared, or not good enough?!
I remember when we last met up, you convinced me I should leave wherever I was. You brainwashed me into believing that leaving was the answer, when instead I was just running away from my feelings. But I love myself enough to call your bluff.
We haven't seen eachother in a few months, but you come around again and say, "I miss you". I say, "I HATE you!" Stop stalking my mind. I know I'm good enough and strong enough to leave you behind. This time I'm telling you that we are never ever getting back together....like EVER! You go talk to someone else because I'm tired of hearing your negative, hurtful words. And I'm really gonna miss you playing with my head and me, falling for all the bulls*** you said.
I used to think, that we, were forever ever ever, and I used to say, "never say never", but we are NEVER ever getting back together!
*Dedicated to all those who've been mentally abused by anxiety. Today is garbage day, so dump it!

Toast to the West Coast

Supported Fish/Matsyasana pose

I'm back from probably one of the best trips of my life! I made it to Hollywood thanks to the ELLEN show, saw my favorite basketball team (the LA Lakers) win, popped into enlightening yoga classes, and took in some beach prana. God, I love the West Coast!
I've been an East side girl all my life, so I always felt this deep rooted connection with NYC. Within an hour and a half, I could land in the center of the Universe. There's an undeniable force of energy that you feel when you hit the Big Apple. As a fashion capital, it's edgy, fast-paced, impatient, full of personality, but can be mean - sounds so relatable to me! California, on the other hand, is West Coast 's source of well-being. Healthy food grown locally, vineyards, beaches, and palm tress are the key elements of goodness. Away from the superficial Hollywood hills is Santa Monica. A haven that's calm, laid back, patient, mind-body-spirit conscious, and just light - summing up how I aspire to live. There's a strong sense of peace that comes with living near the beach. The air is pure, the sound of the waves soothe the soul, even the seagulls are inviting. Six hours away is where daisy dukes and surf boards meet red carpet mayhem and paparazzi.
In honour of my five year wedding anniversary, my husband surprised me with a trip back to LA. This time though, instead of Rodeo Drive, Melrose and celeb sightings, I was excited about driving along the coast to Malibu and trying innovative yoga classes. I needed an escape that would lift my spirit and crank up my energy. Although the highlight of my trip was being part of The Ellen Show audience, I was on a mission to explore yoga in a holistically advanced city.
My research took me to Yoga Hop (vinyasa yoga accompanied by loud Top 40 music). I went into this class thinking this was yet another marketable exploitation of yoga...perfect to shake things up on my mat. The class started fast, without the usual 'OM' chanted at the beginning. I was pleasantly surprised by the warm welcome the teacher gave me, after recognizing I was a newbie. The whole idea of commercial music blasting from speakers, in yoga class, is so foreign to me. Yet as toxins melted away through my sweat, I found strength through the songs I usually sing along to in my car. Michael Jackson's uplifting voice guided me through my 20th vinyasa and just when I thought I couldn't hold Warrior III anymore, Kelly Clarkson convinced me that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger!
Your mind plays such a big role in yoga and although I prefer classes with spiritual ties, the addition of familiar music accompanying my practice, pumped up my spirit. I made it through an intense "Summit 2/3" class at Yoga Hop thanks to its unconventional method of connecting mind, body, spirit. My body was sore, but my spirit soared, and that's the high you want to leave with.
This 4 day getaway was like a spiritual cleanse that I could never get in a city that never sleeps. I'm converting to Team West Side as I hope to bring that same spiritual hype to my yoga classes. Whatever style of yoga you practice, remember that what matters most is how you feel after the class. Once your muscles settle, it's how your spirit settles that defines the essence of your practice. I love the NY part of me, but to be balanced and a better me, my other half is all West Coast!
A shout out to my husband for the opportunity to relive a part of our honeymoon. This time the view was even better!

Reality Check

Tonight I have a heavy heart. I hurt someone's feelings. What began as a conversation addressing the other person's anger, turned out to be an outpouring of sadness instead. Without being able to even look at me, she sat at the table talking as though it was a therapy session. "Why doesn't she appreciate anything?", she repeated about me. As she explained how she talks to herself about my sharp words and angry tone, she was slowly chipping away at my spirit.
'Be kind' has been my signature statement for months, but today kindness felt so unfamiliar to me. Here I was thinking she was angry about a conversation we had earlier, when in turn she was saddened by my consistently angry state. She cried, then I cried. Her pain reunited me with my own pain that dated back to my first job. My boss wasn't human. Instead of blood running through his veins, it was venom. I could've moved the Eiffel Tower into his office and he'd point out that the Trevi fountain holds more meaning. No matter what I did, or how hard I worked, he was never satisfied. So when she told me that I didn't appreciate anything, I crumbled. Who the hell am I? Yes, I admit I'm working on my patience, but am I really that imbalanced?
I'm struggling with self-love right now. I find it almost impossible to believe I'm an amazing human being after being told her reality of me is different. She definitely owns her pain, the same way in which we all do. No one can "make" anyone feel bad, but you certainly can awaken someone's buried sufferings. I have no desire to be that person. My mission is to uplift people by providing tools to help them connect to their best Self. I guess that only happens at the yoga studio :( Back at home, it's a whole other reality that's much less marketable.
We all have our bad days, but this is coming from someone who lives with me. Her references of my mean streak went beyond a few PMS days. Though my home is where I'm most vulnerable, raw and real, it's painful to hear that my actions could be so hurtful. As I pathetically tried to defend (not deny) my actions, I realized I had no defence. She was holding up a mirror with guilty written across it in bold. You can sit in meditation for a half hour, connect to an emotion, cry it out and feel lighter. But you can also have someone tell you their feelings about your actions, and feel ashamed and heavy. Yup, meditation is looking way more fun right now.
So how am I going to shake this sadness? I'm going to breathe, take accountability, learn from this experience. I'm also going to make a commitment to live my yoga off the mat. Of course it's easier to feel peace and love on my "magic carpet" for 2 hours. When I get off the high though, is when yoga really matters. Reflection is like a detox cleanse that we could all do once in a while. Nothing wrong with cleaning out the toxins in our bodies, or mind, or spirit. Yes, our spirit has toxins - they're made up of the Ego! This is my AH-HA moment of the day - I'm often lead by my Ego when I'm at home. I think it's time to send it on a hiatus because it's serving me nothing but guilt and shame. Who the heck wants that?
If you read this post, thanks for allowing me to dump my emotional garbage. I may be judged, or even disappoint some of you. Frankly, I'm disappointed in myself too. This is one of those moments in life I like to call "reality check" (prefer reality "cleanse"). May you all find a tiny hole of light in your darkest moments. Be kind to yourself - even if it's a struggle. Shanti.