thank u, next

"One taught me love
One taught me patience

And one taught me pain"

Every person that comes into your life is either a mirror or a teacher.
I'll spare you the names of those I've "loved and lost", those who've poked at old wounds, or those that continue to show up to teach me the lesson, again. The truth is, I don't label any of my relationships as a loss.  If you park your ego, you'll realize that we attract people along our path to help us learn, grow, evolve, even develop qualities we need at that time. Some will teach you love, patience, pain. Others will be the light, your comfort, your home. And then you have the ones that will teach you how to love yourself. They'll hurt you, make you second guess your self-worth, or drain your energy. Here's the game-changer though - when you lose your sense of self, you attract those that'll feed off of that energy, and you'll give your power away. All are teachers or mirrors. We're always giving people permission on how we want to be treated. You decide, always.
Then one day, you'll discover a new love that you know is gon' last, 'cause her name is ___________(insert your name here). The relationship with yourself, will be amazing from the lessons you've cultivated through love and pain.
In everything I attract in my life, I always look for the lesson from the teacher or the mirror. Most times, I make the honour roll. Sometimes I'm a slooooow learner. I need to repeat the mistake. Feel the pain, again. Fight with my intuition (because I know better)! Just know that before you throw shade at anyone that hurt you, try to understand the assignment first. Every relationship is an opportunity to expand or shrink. You choose the result.
Wherever you've landed along my life path, thank you for showing up, doing your thing, staying behind or walking beside me. Your lesson was essential for the next level of my evolution. I'll continue to be tested, as will you. Too bad there aren't cheat sheets to prep us for what lies ahead. Life is a mix of beautiful and brutal moments that present themselves when the student is ready. Continue to say, "thank u, next", because you've been preparing for 'next' for a long time - that's how you turned out amazing!

Here's to our teachers - May they continue to show up when we're ready to learn from them.

"I've got so much love
Got so much patience
I've learned from the pain
I turned out amazing"

My Survival Story

When you can grow through a crack

I was sitting on the bathroom floor, in my hotel room, overwhelmed with emotion. My body was trembling. My teeth were chattering. Tears were pouring down my face. All I could think was, “How can I care for two children, if I can’t even take care of myself?” And then the hole got deeper, the light was dimming, and the only thing I could hear, were my thoughts of inadequacy. I wanted to escape from my mind, break free from my body. Seconds became minutes, and the longer I sat in my suffering, the louder the thoughts were yelling, "You're never going to get through this. You can't even control your body. You don't deserve the love and support behind this door. Who are you, anyway?"

It’s a dark and lonely place. You feel completely disconnected from your truth. You don’t recognize who you are. As a result, you prefer to isolate yourself from any social function on your calendar. You’re trying to control your feelings, but you’re constantly defeated. That’s how I felt when I hit postpartum, rock bottom.

Once our family vacay was over, I came back home, looking for help. I miraculously found a psychotherapist to guide me through my healing. My sessions were twice a week, for almost six months. I had to write in my journal in-between sessions and submit my work for review. Every entry I wrote was discussed. It was the hardest work I have ever done in my life. I was unpeeling 35 years of accumulated feelings that had nowhere to go. When we repress emotions, they settle in our muscles. That’s why we have tension in our bodies. All the tears we hold back, all the unspoken words, all the resentment we refuse to release, stay inside. When the feelings run out of places to go, you’re faced with a choice: break open or break down. I’m here today because I broke open. Every finger I ever pointed came back to me. Every personality trait I disliked in others, came back to me. Every story I told, came back to me. I had to take accountability for my role. I had to see myself through the eyes of others. I had to find God in myself, so I could see God in the cruelest person. I had to make peace with every old wound, so I could love myself again. I was lucky. Kate Spade was not. Anthony Bourdain was not. Robbin Williams was not. Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Kurt Cobain, Alexander McQueen, and many more, were not.

I was blessed with the tools to get me through any situation. Aside from therapy, I prayed a shit load, practiced yoga consistently, even cried through every meditation. I showed up for myself. Even through the thick mud I was treading, I kept looking for the light. “It can’t be dark forever”, I thought. I used my tools all the time. I still live surrounded by statues of Ganesha (remover of obstacles) and other healing deities. I clear the energy around me with sage. I use mala beads to pray and meditate. I write. I read. I keep growing through it all. We have this incredible power within us. The problem lies in our repetitive thoughts. These thoughts feed off each other. The instant a thought of unworthiness surfaces, within seconds, they’re accelerating at a record breaking pace. It’s like a never ending replay race, until the baton falls. You either start over again or you change your pattern. It’s tricky, but when you're committed to working on yourself from the inside out, you get better at the game. The most effective tool that saved me, was my breath. Breathing is the only way to calm the nervous system. I learned how to breathe with awareness and it. saved. my. life!

I will repeat what I wrote after Kate Spade’s death: To believe that your presence, your voice, your humour, your wit, your ideas, even the simplicity of your smile, has absolutely NO worth in this world, is the most heartbreaking lie anyone can believe about themselves. To sit with dark thoughts of inadequacy, unworthiness, or shame, is sadly, a familiar place for many of us. If you're curled up in that dark hole, this is the message you've been waiting for: You are the Greatest Miracle in the World. Every second before you is a blessing. And if pain is your subject, polish it, and share it with us. Those with the same pain will heal with you. Everyone benefits from your healing. It's a ripple effect. Break down to break open, but please, don't stay broken.

Your friend will not call you to say she’s derailed. She will withdraw. Your sister will not burden you with her erratic thoughts. She will keep them to herself. Your co-worker will not risk being judged by his feelings. He will keep them hidden. There are signs. Look for them. But before you can do that, please look within yourself, at your shit, and accept it. Once you can look at your own darkness, you can then recognize it and accept it in others. And remember, we’re all walking each other home. No one is winning any prize at the end. The prize is in the moments, the journey, the process, the battle, the uncertainty, the struggle, the pain. Surviving is the win.

Curious Rebels

My nieces

"That is not your story" - a line I often repeat to myself or share with others during times of distress. With the death of 14-year-old Athena Gervais earlier this month, and now the hunt for missing 10-year-old boy, Ariel - it's just impossible to silence the empath within. At this time, our city is on its 8th day, searching for Ariel Jeffrey Kouakou. It's now noon, which means my teen nieces are on their lunch break, as a police helicopter passes by my window. How can I not wonder if they're safe? My emotions are heavy.
There are two families that are shattered right now. One will never see their daughter graduate high school and the other may have the same ending. Completely different stories, with the same heartbreak. Again, "This is not your story", I repeat. When bad news strikes young blood, our compassion escalates. We all tell ourselves that it could be our child that we innocently sent off to meet a friend, or our teens living dangerously while at school. This could be our story.
My eleven year old nephew, often roams his neighbourhood by bike, to meet his friends. We cannot shelter our children from childhood basics that develop their independence. However, I'm concerned now. I'd rather follow a few feet behind, watch him play from a distance, than let him be on his own. It might be wrong, but the fear is fresh. Truth is, if we thought of all the negative things that could unfold, we'd never leave our homes. I'll try not to project my fears of 'what if' and pray that every child I see walking to school alone, riding their bike alone, staying at home alone, is divinely protected. That brings me some peace.
To my highly intelligent and free-spirited nieces, I pray for you as well. As young teens, you're tasting a little freedom, heightening your curiosity, and experimenting with some rebellion. I know because I see my fourteen year old self through your eyes. You'll make some bad decisions, which are necassary for your growth. You'll choose the wrong friend, kiss the wrong boy, study the wrong chapter. All these wrongs will teach you what is right.*[Sigh. Pause. Hold back tears.]
When I heard the tragic story of Athena Gervais, I immediately thought of my nieces. This is for them (and my nephews too).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Dear Curious Rebels,
Know that I'm your emergency call, your judge-free zone, your free pass. I come with some solid rebel experience and understanding ears. I'll always be your safe space to share your insecurities, dramas, heartbreak, foolishness, and poor decisions. My purpose in your life is to be present and provide unconditional love, so that your hardest times will feel a little softer, easier.
I know for sure you'll be tempted to do the wrong thing. Stop. Think. Then proceed with caution. You see, I want you to be around for a long time. I want you to look back at your grade 8 school picture and wonder what on earth you did to your hair that year. I want you to see your prom video, cringe at your 'manly' moustache, or overload of sequins that could light up the Eiffel Tower. I want you to look back and remember the teacher who believed in you when you didn't, the friends that consoled you after your humiliating Carnival wipe out, or the volleyball game you won with ten seconds left on the clock. You deserve to have these moments. This is your time to create all these memories. You'll also be faced with tough decisions, uncomfortable conversations, influence to look a certain way, or encouragement to do the wrong thing. Please don't forget your worth.
Don't confuse curiosity with recklessness. Don't believe intimacy comes with pressure. Don't be a follower when you can be the leader. Stand up for what's right, when it's easier to sit. Don't abandon an intoxicated friend. And please don't ever be the passenger to a drunken driver. You're too smart to make dumb choices. Live these years with curiosity, courage, and some caution. I pray that your good decisions outweigh your poor ones. I pray you'll never forget how much you matter. And remember I'm a speed dial away.
Love you,
M
Tonight as we tuck in our children, or speak to our nieces and nephews, remember that we cannot stop them from exploring. Instead, we'll pray that they feel loved and are guided by good friends, approachable teachers, encouraging coaches, and caring parents. As the police heli hovers over the river again today, I want us to remember that although our children can drive us mad, we need to hug them hard, listen more attentively to their daily stories, and do more of the things we take for granted. Today they may be nine years old, seeking our attention; then they'll be fourteen, and we'll be seeking theirs. Love in the moment. It matters.
To every family that has lost a child; we are grieving with you.

Authentic Audit

You know all those things you've been telling yourself that make you feel scared, defensive, guilty, ashamed, undeserving?  How they working out for you? I'll tell you how they're serving me. They're keeping me small, like little league small, forcing me to sit on the bench. They show up every day, like the chronic pain you've been struggling with for years. And I wish I could tell you the secret to the cure, but I'm unqualified.
Are you ever about to do something, and then this warning signal sounds off, awakening self-doubt? Maybe it was that time you considered applying for a new position, but suddenly you second guessed your qualifications, and stayed on the bench. Or maybe you wanted to share your Nutella toast on social media, but stopped because you're a nutritionist, and well that wouldn't look good. It could even be the moment you're about to give advice, but stop yourself because you feel completely ineligible to share your input. Why. Do. We. Do. That?
Since this is my truth's landing pad, I'm about to share some uncomfortable feelings I've been harbouring. Confession: I've avoided setting my Instagram profile to 'public' for fear that perhaps some stranger will write a hurtful comment about my knowledge, capabilities, body type, eyebrows....basically anything. What about the bank of fitness (not yoga) videos I've created to help others get motivated to exercise? Well they're sitting in my phone, or rather, "on the bench". Because the truth is, who am I to offer workout videos? I'm not a trainer! I don't even exercise every day! My self-confidence gets triggered by the sad fact that I might be judged for suggestions I'll provide on what to eat, how to tone your triceps, who to see for back pain, or which books will change your life. The truth is the entire 'Fifty Shades' collection holds prime real estate in my book case. And although I eat to live, I also abuse ketchup Doritos when they're in season. As well, there are days when I feel motivated to hit the gym, and days when my only form of movement involves getting in and out of my car. And if I don't talk about my husband or kids, it doesn't mean they don't exist. My life is a minestrone of family, friends, yoga, reading, procrastinating, sharing, hiding, judging and loving. Can we all just be OK with that? Can we still cheer each other on through our highs, as well as our lows? Can we just be vulnerable more often?
It's time for a real, authentic audit of our behaviour, our patterns, our thoughts. We spend so much time scrolling through other people's lives, often comparing ourselves, while judging others on their baking skills, good looks, or eye-rolling, daily dose of positivity. Yes, I judge often too! You're not alone. In fact, we're way more the same than we are different.
So my rant today comes from a place of insecurity, mixed with vulnerability. You'll be judged for being too quiet, too loud, too skinny, too fat, too sexy, too boring, too confident, too submissive, too forgiving, too angry, too mean, too kumbaya! Fuck it! The next time your warning signal goes off, poking at your self-confidence, get up from the bench. The world has enough bench warmers, we need light bearers, brave souls that are willing to expose their truth. Everyone you judge wants to be happy. Just like you. And remember that being judged really sucks. We're all in this together. Instead of lifting ourselves by tearing down others, let's rise by lifting others. We've all got wounds that keep us small, insecure, and separate. Yet we all want to be loved, so loosen your grip on what others think and YOU DO YOU! Be brave, my friends! Reset your thoughts, open your heart, see yourself in others. And most importantly, LOVE THE ONE IN YOU WHO IS SAD. LOVE THE ONE IN YOU WHO IS SCARED. LOVE THE ONE IN YOU WHO IS ANGRY. LOVE THE ONE IN YOU WHO IS JUDGEMENTAL. LOVE THE ONE IN YOU WHO IS SUFFERING. LOVE THE ONE IN YOU WHO IS INSECURE. LOVE THE ONE IN YOU WHO HATES HERSELF. LOVE ALL THE ONES IN YOU, SO YOU CAN LOVE THEM IN OTHERS TOO.

The White Truth *Unfiltered

No Filter

Wrapping up 2017 with a massive bow and permanent adhesive! What a year it has been. Today marks the last New Moon of the year. This is a perfect opportunity to glance back to see how far you've journeyed, how much you've grown, and how many lessons you've learned in its unfolding. I think it's fair to say that collectively, it hasn't been the easiest year. Again, we were reminded that we can do hard things.

This year challenged our morals, our faith, our trust, our beliefs. It was the year of awakening for many. For me, I tapped into a suppressed desire for the truth. Although truth telling is part of my daily practice, it's far from being easy. In a society where social sharing is a new norm, I often wonder - have we gone from filtering our photos to filtering the parts of ourselves we'd rather hide? Are we mostly pretending that motherhood is THE best, that our partners are our soul mates, that we have the ultimate career, and that we have it all under control? Yes, I think we aren’t exposing the real truth. It’s OK to keep your life private, just don’t put a bow on BS.  I know moms who are overwhelmed with the job title, but still bake the cookies to maintain the image. I’ve heard more stories about marriages falling apart this year than ever before. Most recently, my response was, "Impossible! They’re so in love on Facebook." This year we've been forced to reveal the truth. From abuse, to lies, to infidelity, to grief, we've all been touched by one of these ugly truths. For me personally, this has been a year of tremendous growth and insight. I finally reached a point where verbal abuse became a deal breaker. I also dug deep through old wounds to get to a place of self-acceptance.

If this year bitch slapped you with pain, I feel you. It takes a great deal of self-love to get through the messy moments. I wonder – is the truth teaching us to love ourselves enough to recognize right from wrong? Maybe we're realizing that it's OK if we're not the #familygoals, #couplegoals, #momgoals we think we should be. Maybe it's time for new #goals such as, #ilovemyself, #igotthis, #icandohardthings. Maybe we've reached a fork in the road where we're asked to either follow our heart or follow the rules. Maybe 2017 was all about loving yourself first, so that you don’t have to pretend it’s all beautiful. You don't have to be challenged in relationships for this to apply to you. This is relevant for anyone stuck in an unfulfilling job, or a new parent struggling with the new reality of who they are, or anyone suffering from crippling anxiety. The truth is that you’ll only feel joy when you love ALL the parts of yourself....the ugly ones too. And when you truly love yourself, you won't stand for verbal abuse, chase your unfaithful partner, believe the "what if" stories, nor will you be tempted towards avoidance, escapism, addiction. You won't allow any of it because you are un-becoming the person you've been after all the stories, labels, hashtags. This is your year-end review. You may be called to bury your old self, old patterns, or an old wound. In my case, I’m burying a limiting belief that being needed and being loved are the same. I believed that if I wasn't needed, I wouldn’t be loved. Here’s a dirty truth. My husband would often tell me that he didn't need me. Grateful for the wound because although it was hurtful to hear, it’s the truth.  He doesn't need me. No one needs anyone. Needing people keeps us attached to this illusion that we're incomplete or incapable of experiencing life on our own. 

Dear Husband,

You were right all along. You don't need me.

Thank you for taking the pressure off.

Love,

My best self

Your turn. What are you burying this year? What limiting belief are you letting go of? What truth are you admitting to yourself? What have your 2017 experiences taught you? Is there any area in your life calling for transformation? What are your deep emotions telling you?

As Jay-Z said, "What you reveal, you heal."  This is your rebirth. You've been given what you need to rise up. You’ve been preparing for this moment for lifetimes. If I learned anything on my iphone this year, it’s that there's no filter that can enhance a fake life. We’re all walking each other home, so let's keep it honest. When I’m fighting with the truth, I ask the Universe to show me the way, bring me the right people for guidance, give me the tools to help me see clearly, and my latest request is to be given what I NEED not what I WANT.

Warning: you may take two steps back and feel stuck. The Universe will hold you back if you're not ready. Sometimes you have to experience what you don’t want, to understand what you do want.

Life is an experience. Surrender to the ups and downs. Remember that where you're headed is much more important than what you've left behind. Travel light and let the truth lead you into 2018.

Reflections

"Don't look back, you're not going that way", read the sign. Over the past few months, I've been separating my life in 'take' or 'toss' piles. During this process, I've observed the human desire of attachment to the past. Although purging did prove to be difficult, I realized that the greatest release went far beyond tossing mementos or yearbooks.
I haven't written in a long time because this is where my feelings come to breathe. This is where all the layers come off. I come undone. This is where crisis finds a cure. This is where I lay the truth to rest. When I find myself disconnecting from the truth, stuffing discomfort, or numbing feelings I'd rather forget, you won't hear from me. I want to be adored for my commitment to the truth, not for decorating lies. With all my years of yoga practice, I still get overwhelmed with feelings I try to rationalize. I wander so far deep in my thoughts, that only when my knees hit the floor, do I gain clarity.
One thing I know for sure is that separating your life in 'take' or 'toss' is highly therapeutic. You take what sparks joy and you toss what no longer serves you. Once I discarded the things I didn't need, I did the same with my relationships. I eliminated toxic behaviour I had allowed for too long. As an opinionated, strong spoken woman, I can sadly be submissive when I feel powerless. For years I allowed others to talk down to me, which served me well. Yes, you read right! It served me well. The abuse reminded me to fall in love with myself over and over again. Because when you love yourself, you know better than to lower your head and silence your thoughts.
This is a glimpse into my truth. I've spent countless days reflecting on my past. I'm not always happy with the choices I made, but I would have chosen the same. I know I'm being guided by the universe and I trust what unfolds before me. As I prepared for a new beginning in a new home, I also wanted a new mindset. Time is an illusion and life makes no promises. I decided to stop waiting for later, tomorrow, next year. Now, I'm influenced by one question, "Does this spark joy?" This sentence brings me closest to the truth. If it doesn't feel joyful, don't do it! I won't sit with company that doesn't feed my soul. I won't comfort others with bullshit. I don't do artificial flowers or friends. And most importantly, I just want to love unconditionally, be loved for my truth, and hold myself responsible for loving myself. Everything I tossed - pots, pictures, people - were significant in my story (even the pots!). They all served their purpose which I'm grateful for. I can't say it was easy, but again, we can do hard things. If you want to receive, you need to release.
As this new moon comes around this weekend, I wish you joy on this journey. Commit to a new mindset for a new beginning. It's never too late to choose joy. It's always there. You may not see it, but you can feel it. Remember that we're complete, but not finished. We're constantly evolving into who we need to be in this lifetime. There's no finish line. Make mistakes, grow from them, look forward, follow your heart, choose joy - you'll never regret it.

Not for Everyone

I want to let you in on a little secret. I hit "rock bottom" shortly after the birth of my son. I call it "rb" because my life path was completely derailed by anxiety. I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I found comfort in isolation. Social settings were my nemesis. I wasn't fun anymore, and fun was an actual threat to my anxiety. My family and friends couldn't understand what I was feeling, and neither could I. 

Fast forward six years later to today. I'm OK! I'm actually feeling fantastic! Here's the thing though, anxiety can eff you up badly. It can take you to a very dark, lonely place. I started this blog to share my story about my journey. Sometimes the content is light and loving, sometimes it's sad and angry. It's OK not to be OK. Life has highs and lows, joy and pain. Welcome all of it! I'm not always strong, confident, happy, positive. In fact most of the time, I have to remind myself to be in the moment, go with the flow. I spent most of my life showing up confident, but feeling insecure. I'm transforming everyday, as I hope you are too. I'm using this platform (social media too) as my space of vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness. It's risky to be open about your feelings, but I can't imagine being any other way. 

I'm not for everyone! I can be wild in a bar, outgoing at dinner, and calm in a yoga session. I'm a box of chocolates....never know what you're gonna get! But I also want to have the hard conversations about: addiction, depression, divorce, illness, death. I refuse to numb the feelings that are essential to our growth. For a long time, my goal was to conquer every quest. Nope, that's not me anymore. I just want to be of service by continuing to show up, share my feelings, help if I know how. I can have a blog post viewed over 2000 times, but it's that private message I'll receive, that makes the difference. It's not about how many likes or followers we have. It's the ones that reach out to us with gratitude, or awareness, or relief in knowing that they're not alone. We can be brave and scared together. I'm learning that loving ourselves, through the process of owning our story (messy, scary, beautiful, extraordinary) is the bravest thing we'll ever do.

So, I'm OK, better than OK! I still struggle with fear, "never enough", judgement, shame, even joy. Despite all that, I'll continue to expose my emotions in hope that they be of benefit. For those who are inspired, enlightened, moved by my posts, you're my tribe. We see each other as the same. If you judge me, that's OK too. I learned that while we're busy judging others, we avoid looking at ourselves. Another loaded lesson! So today, go out into the world to serve from a place of vulnerability. You won't regret it!