Does Your Mother Know

In April of this year, Eric Paskel lost his brother. He eulogized his brother's life unlike any eulogy I've ever heard. With Mother's Day around the corner, I wanted to share the part he wrote for his Mom, on behalf of his brother Justin.

Mom: I so often gave you my worst because I knew I was safe with you. I know it wasn’t fair. But all of my yelling, all of the short temper was on me. Believe it or not, taking it out on you actually saved me many times from doing something more destructive to myself or others.You are the glue. You are our leader. You were my champion. No one has fought for another like you have fought for me. You did not make a single mistake. It was me making them.Do not feel responsible for my demons, my struggles. I wanted to tell you this so many times, but couldn’t. I loved you so deeply, it scared me. I felt so “seen” by you and I could not handle it.I wanted to. But know this, any ounce of comfort I felt in the world always was traced back to you. I heard your voice in my head daily and felt your love. I took advantage of that love in the wrong ways many times. But finally in the last few years, I took it in the right way and as physically sick as I was, I had never felt better. Please take that same love you gave me and give it to yourself.

As a Mom, and a daughter, these words hold a heavy truth. We're vulnerable with the ones we feel safe with. We expose our shadows because we know we'll always be loved, no matter what. Does your Mother know how scared you are to be "seen"? Does your Mother know that she's not responsible for your choices? Does your Mother know that her phone calls comfort you? Does your Mother know that she makes you feel safe enough to give her your worst?
My Mom and I have a mirrored relationship. I often see myself in her actions. I don't think she knows how alike we really are. Sometimes I'm bothered by her shadows, because I inherited those too. I can make her my punching bag or a cuddly teddy on the same day.

Mama & Me

As Mothers, we have this ability to "see" our children right through to their soul. With my children, I can sense their temperature rise or their tears form before they even manifest. Even when we lose our sensitivity chip, and say or do some nasty shit, we know our Moms will never abandon us. Maybe someday my children will reciprocate, and hopefully they'll feel my capacity to love them despite what they've done or who they've chosen to become. After all, we chose our Moms and our children chose us. Sometimes I wonder what I was looking for in a Mother, before conception. The criteria for my Mom must've began with a non-negotiable list of  -  hot temper and warm heart, big smile and bigger personality! As for my kids, they must've started their wish list with - fun with a hint of crazy, and must provide an abundance of strong hugs and soggy smooches.
On this Mother's Day, tell your Mom the truth about what she means to you. If you have children, ask them why they chose you....should make for a very interesting brunch convo. And on Sunday, make sure your Mother knows. Love big Mamas, but don't forget to give some to yourself!

Love Letter

This is a letter I wrote on Valentine's day, but never posted. I wrote this to myself because the longest relationship I will ever have in this lifetime, is the one with myself. I think this letter deserves to be shared as a reminder for your capacity to love yourself. This is for YOU. Hold space for your own feelings about yourself. May the words land in your heart, xo

My Dear Love,

Happy Valentine's Day! I just want you to remember that you are loved. I will not love you more if you send me flowers. I will love you for your kindness, for your capacity to give without expectations, for your trust, and for being true to yourself. Thank you for accepting me as a warrior, as well as a worrier.
I will love you for your company that requires few words. I will love you despite your poor judgement, no filter, and sharp tongue. Sometimes I will be too much to bare and other times you will crave my free spirit. I will suggest when it's time to dust your aura. I will poke when I see you decorating your pain. I will remind you that ever tear you shed is the most healing water of all.
I will cradle you like the best book I have ever read.
I will turn up the music to remind you to dance. I will watch you slowly take down your masks to reveal your true self. I will encourage you to take risks. I will forgive you when you feel shame or guilt. And when faith starts to fade, I will point out the light of the moon. I will whisper when you need to take your eyes off the rear view mirror and look forward.
I will give you time to unlearn all the stuff the world has hardened you with. I will speak up for you when you lose your voice. When your teacher tells me you are too hot to handle, I will fan your flame. I will never allow you to conform to a cookie-cutter code of conduct. I want you to be proud of your uniqueness. I will watch you fail, cheer you on, and tell you that you are lit as fuck!
I will encourage you to be unafraid to write the truth, even when you are terrified by it. I will push you through your fears to cultivate courage. I will guide you to transform every obstacle into your greatest life lesson. I will crack your heart open so you can own your story. Because, oh my God, I will not have you wake up in your semi-retired life, with regret for the opportunities you never took. You will not let fear win. No one will bring you joy before you do. You will not live this one life waiting, regretting, doubting, dieting, apologizing because in a year from now, nothing will be the same. So tonight, when you count your miracles, I will remind you to include yourself.

I love you,
always and forever.

The Dirty Truth

Growing through dirt

Would you believe that I died more than once? I just died a few seconds again this morning! I keep having this dangerous conversation with myself about going for a run. Could you believe I'm afraid of running? Yup, I just said it. It's actually surprising because I've mastered running late or even running away from my inner voice that whispers, "Yes, you can". But this morning, when every excuse not to run, won, I died a little.
I'm a lousy runner. Don't be fooled by my small, fit frame. I have no endurance, which is one reason I suck at running. I'll be ten minutes in and just when I might pass out, I talk myself into walking instead, and then I feel defeated. So to avoid feeling inadequate, I don't even bother lacing up my kicks. Today, that's the fear that won. Other days, it could be anything from avoiding an uncomfortable conversation with someone, or resisting something that requires a thread of bravery. See how we can die a few seconds each day? When you step away from an opportunity that requires an ounce of courage, your soul just flat lined.
Think of all those times you got tangled up in your bullshit story, giving center stage to your ego. Your "what ifs, why me, I can't, not good enough, not meant to be..." are stabbing away at your soul every single time. This is how we miss out on what's really happening, what's really being said, and what's really being felt. We'd rather not go there. We get comfortable sitting in our dirt, hoping for sun, yet trying to grow without rain. I know it can get terribly ugly down there. Life can curl you up in darkness and it can comfort you with light. So are growing or dying a little today?
If you're on autopilot, just coasting through life, ask yourself, what brings you joy? It shouldn't be that hard to name the things that make you happy. Sometimes it can be though. We're either too afraid to name them or sadly, we spend so much energy giving joy to others, we don't even know what makes us happy. Wanna know what brings me joy? Talking, writing, sharing. One day (because I'm still choosing to die a little until then) I'll walk across the stage of Place des Arts, with a mic in one hand and a bag of dirt in the other. Unlike Gabby Bernstein or the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, my talk will offer something different. Everyone will receive a bag of dirt (insert copyright here) at the entrance. My event will be called 'The Dirty Truth' (copyright that too) whereby I'll encourage everyone to go home, bury a seed in their dirt, and watch how painfully slow it'll grow. This experiment serves as an observation of our growing pains. Some seeds will barely crack through the surface, while others will be in full bloom. And since you won't see the evolution of your neighbour's seed, you'll be spared the 'comparison' stab.
I can promise you one thing for sure - I'm going to run this spring. Maybe even tomorrow. I'm going to run because I know how amazing I'll feel afterwards. Just like life. I'll face pain, suffer somewhat, feel defeated, but nonetheless, the kicks will come on despite my dead-weight thoughts. I refuse to let that weight choke the joy out of my life, killing me slowly. Will you run with me? Will you run to the things that bring you joy? Will you ask for rain so you can grow a little stronger? Will you push yourself to sprout? Will you share your dirty truth? At least share it with yourself?
This is my dirty truth. I'm scared to run. I don't like to fly. I'll spend two hours deciphering food labels, but still leave the grocery store with a box of Nutella donuts. I'll meditate for fifteen minutes and yell at my kids for ten. I'll tell you to speak your truth but lose my voice when it's my turn. I'll look like a marathon runner, but walk most of the run. That's some of my dirt and I'm OK with burying myself in it, but I won't let myself die there too. Death comes in so many ways, but I never realized that I died as much as I have. Death isn't tragic. What's tragic is dying with our magical seeds still in us.
I'm going for a run today. I just decided. Even if it's only ten minutes (aim low and surprise yourself)! And it doesn't really matter if I don't ever make it on the stage of Place des Arts. But what a shame it would be if I dulled my sparkle, stopped feeling safe to be myself, or got so caught up in big dreams that I missed the small miracles. May you all find comfort in your dirt, and commit to growing despite how dark it gets. Oh and I learned a thing or two about gardening. Once you plant your seeds, you're challenged with weeds, pests, and diseases. Ironically, weeds are inevitable, which is okay - so long as they don't start chocking out your plants. Water your seeds, not your weeds! Now go celebrate your dirty truth! Don't forget to LIVE, forGIVE, do what you LOVE, so when you die a little, you're not choked by your weeds.

Magic Matt

Image from 'Help Save Matthew' FB pg

I never met Matthew Schreindorfer, but I'll always remember him. The news of his passing today still hasn't settled in. We worried this day might come, but never thought it actually would. Call me an optimist, but I think I was just more hopeful than anything else. I believed, we all believed, that he would overcome his diagnosis. He had over 13K Facebook fans following his story, encouraging him through every treatment. We all prayed, offered words of comfort, and supported him throughout his journey. We all hoped for a different outcome; a happy ending.
We fell in love with Matt, and his wife Katia, when they first shared their story on social media. They were high school sweethearts and newlyweds who traded 'happily ever after' for 'never ever give up'. After exhausting all possible leukemia treatments in Canada, Matt's only option to stay alive was raising a six-figure sum, for treatments in the US. Needless to say their story generated an overwhelming outpouring of support, helping them raise enough money for treatments abroad, which saved his life. As Matt continued his recovery, he never forgot to check in with his fans. He would keep us updated on his progress regularly. When he announced he needed further treatments, we continued to pray and offer donations. He never lost his sense of humour despite how many needles poked him on any given day. We followed his journey, 'liking' his posts so he knew we were there. And yet the majority of us didn't even know him personally. That's how special 'Magic Matt' was. His mom mentioned today that she was his chef throughout his fight. I think she poured so much love in his meals, that his charm and infectious smile stole our hearts.
We all know someone who has battled an incurable disease. Each one of them fought their battle with outstanding courage and the willingness to live longer. He was no different, yet we all felt somewhat a part of his story. We wanted him to win so badly! We wanted Katia to go from captain to partner. We wanted them to smile forever. I think the reason we fell in love with Matt was because he reached out to strangers, shared his trials and triumphs, and despite the odds, he committed to fight by undergoing hundreds of blood transfusions, countless tests and way more details we were spared. Moreover he was the poster child for Hope.
As I tried to make sense of my sadness for this complete stranger (that I better meet in my next life!), I realized that he gave me and thousands of others hope that THIS time cancer wouldn't win. He gave me hope that 'never ever giving up' is the mantra that would guide me through any challenge. He gave me hope that the human spirit is resilient, that we're never alone, and strangers will help you when you ask. As my tears hit my keyboard, I'm reminded that our beacon of hope has transitioned. I think that's why we're all struck with grief. Our broken hearts are asking how someone with such a strong will to live, could have their life cut short at only 27 years young. And then there's Katia, who never left his side.
I wish this story had the fairy tale ending it deserved. I ask myself what made Matthew so likeable? Sure he was easy on the eyes, seemed kind, gracious, and authentic throughout his journey. But I think Matt never allowed life to harden his heart. His courage was remarkable. Because of his experience, he took on a personal task to bring unavailable treatments to Canada. He touched so many strangers that a song, socks, and shirts were even created on his behalf. He was the lighthouse for anyone fighting an illness. He inspired thousands of us to 'keep on keepin' on' no matter what we were going through in our lives. Don't we all wish we could have an impact on the lives of strangers the same way as Matt? How about we try! Honouring a life is taking all the beautiful qualities that touched you and sharing them with the world. If the thousands of us that Matthew touched so deeply, would go out into the world with his contagious love for life, the world would be sweeter.
Thank you for inspiring us to open our hearts, love big, ask for support, smile even for a second during hardships, and never lose hope - because your journey has touched more lives than you'll ever know. Sending love and light to Matthew's family. May they heal knowing that his name and story will never be forgotten. Namaste.

Everyday Miracles

Miracle Moment

On Thursday, my 5 year old son returned home with his nap blanket, one day earlier than usual. When I asked him why, he hesitated for a while and then told me he shared it with his friend, Sandra. The following morning I received the most moving email from his teacher explaining the story behind the blanket.
During relaxation period, Damiano (my son) preferred to finish some work instead of taking a nap. Meanwhile, his classmate Sandra was feeling particularly cold that day, so he offered her his wool blanket. After he finished his work, he decided to check if Sandra was warm, and what happened next will melt your heart. He lay down by her side and wrapped his arm around her to ensure she'd stay warm (insert proud mama moment here). I'm sharing this story because that same night, I was reading a powerful book that said, "God very often plays man. God will do nothing without man and whenever He works a miracle it is always done through man." As much as I can claim my son to be compassionate and kind, I believe God came through him in that act. The relationship between the two of them isn't always blissful, which is why I give credit to God.
Sandra is a special child. She was born with an allergy to light and most recently was diagnosed colour blind. Needless to say, the two diagnostics combined make her unique. Damiano and Sandra are far from being best friends. Their relationship includes sharing, playing, bickering, and plenty of arguing. Yet on that day, something deep within his soul unlocked. He brought His light to comfort her, to keep her warm. Ironic that although she may be averse to light, the greatest comfort was being warmed by His light. The cutest part of this story was the picture I received as proof that this did indeed happen. Notice his arm hugging her.
As a habitual hugger, I feel that a hug is socially underestimated. The most powerful exchange of energy between an adult and child, is a hug. With the vibration of heartbeats and the quality of our breathing, we can feel the present state of another human being. If the heart beats quickly and the breath is shallow, you know you gotta squeeze a little tighter.  I call this particular hug a "lemon squeeze". It whispers, "Be at ease. I am here for you." Sadly, most of us don't consider a hug that special. But let me tell you a secret. There's power in softening someone's edge with a lemon squeeze.
Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we're taught that being strong means being hard. Well here's some 2017 breaking news - soft is the new strong! Show your children the value in softness. It requires much less effort for light to shine through a glass window than a brick wall. It also requires much less effort to be vulnerable than guarded. At a time in the world where our sense of security is constantly being discussed, I urge you to let go of some apprehension. There are 7 billion people in the world, most of which offer miracles every minute, yet we sensationalize evil acts instead.
The story of my son is simply an everyday miracle that most would overlook. I felt the need to share because I was deeply moved by this miracle. It gave me hope for anyone with a disability, that there are people who'll look past your condition to connect with your soul. And for all humanity, know that you can choose to be hard on yourself and others, or you can courageously soften, so you can warm others with your light. Go out into the world today with love on your sleeve, miracles on your mind, and the possibility that through your softness, God will come through. Stay soft, but hug hard!

My Rise to 40

Rise, Fall, Repeat

In ten days, I'll be 40 and I'm just beginning to learn how to live! Slow learner? Maybe, maybe not. Most people breathe their entire lives in autopilot, alive, but not living. I can understand that because I was once that person. I was that girl you'd meet that would ignore your name. I'd avoid eye contact in case you saw my truth before I would. I'd recite the best quotes in hope that each word would land on my soul. I was ready to help you, because it helped me too. I encouraged you to stop avoiding, because I was avoiding. And while I inspired you to be happy, I was choosing the opposite. Maybe I helped strengthen your faith in the unknown, which gave me the courage to do the same.
A little over a week ago, I tapped into that courage as I embarked on the most important journey of my life: the journey of my own awakening. I was called to travel to an unknown place, sit with strangers and together, we'd fall apart and rebuild ourselves. Why would anyone want to do that, you wonder? In my case, a whisper was tugging at my curiosity and poking at my fear. And let's be honest, curiosity and fear are essential ingredients for personal transformation. So I registered for an uncomfortable weekend to sit with my suffering (my fears, attachments, frustrations, stress, anger, judgement, criticism, fatigue, blame, and the victim I created). All these years, I thought I was doing that work, but instead I discovered that it wasn't work that needed to be done, but rather release.
My experience transformed my way of thinking, of believing, of being. I sat inside my castle and began removing decades of dust off all my precious gifts. One by one, I made peace with every wound. I stood before 'my family' of strangers and listed everything I was letting go of. I released my illusion of 'who' I was that I attached to a career that made me feel validated and powerful. I let go of my fear of the unknown that held me back from living, and I let go of my past relationship that made me doubt my self-worth. In order to rise again, I had to make peace with my past.
Last year, at this time, I was optimistic that 2016 would bring more growth and self-reflection. It has been a wild year of uncertainty, truth, and awakening. I have no idea what the new year will bring, but what I do know is that I'm unafraid of the unknown. I dumped that fear in Lac Brome last week! I also know that great change is upon us. What has changed in me this year is my attitude towards myself and others. I'm not interested in the mundane anymore. I want soul-connecting conversation so when you walk away from me, you feel rather than forget.
I don't care where you work or what you do. Were you kind today? I don't care where you studied. What have you learned today? I don't care who you married. How great do you love? I don't care what cookies you baked for your kid's class. Did you hug them after school? I don't care how much money you have. Are you happy?
I may have met you once, but forgotten. Or perhaps we've brushed shoulders at a restaurant or sat a row apart on an airplane. I probably judged you or compared my patience to yours. Maybe you know me personally, in which case we've shared a hug. I probably didn't squeeze as tight as I would today. Now, I'd take the time to hear the quality of your breathing to know how you're feeling. I'd squeeze a little tighter to show you I'm present. And maybe that hug might soften your edge. No matter what relationship we may have, I hope I remember to smile and say hello.
This being my last post of 2016 - the end of the Aquarian Age and the end of my thirties, I want to thank life for all of it. For every single person that has crossed my path, unrolled their mat beside me in a yoga class, or smiled at me, thank you for your presence. I recognize myself in all of you. After my 'fall to rise' experience, I want to remind you to LIVE. You can continue life resisting and struggling against it, or you can shatter to set yourself free. I hope you fall, so you can put yourself back together, and rise to meet life in all its beauty. I hope you never lose faith in humanity, as we're all the same. I can only see in you what I'm able to recognize within myself. My message of hope for 2017 is that each individual can fall in love with themselves and accept every piece of who they are. The world needs your light in megawatts. Fall, shatter, rise to shine, and LIVE!

The Untold Truth of Failing the Entrance Exam

As many sixth graders are beginning to write high school entrance exams, I can feel their stress. I still get knots in my stomach thinking back to my time. There I was, sitting at a cafeteria table, feeling so small, struggling to get to the last question. Although I never opted for private school - especially an all-girls one, I had to follow in my sister's footsteps. 

The pressure was thick and even though I didn't want to spend the next five years there, my path was predetermined. Or at least it was, until that cold day when the "accepted or rejected" letter landed on my doorstep. My predetermined path just got hit with a road block! I was REJECTED! I know. You're shocked, right?! Well I can't say I was shocked since I didn't put the effort, but I knew this was bad. I was bad. I was bad for not making the cut. 

With my sister already an honour student at the school, my parents refused to accept my non-acceptance and rallied to get me in. From sending flowers and chocolates to letters of recommendation from my teacher, I was finally given the stamp of approval. But through the emotions of a twelve year old, this is how it played out in my head: "You're not good enough. You don't deserve to be there. You'll never survive. You better NEVER tell anyone you weren't accepted or you'll be labelled the outcast." Those were the words I mentally repeated for the next twelve months. Did my parents make a mistake to push so hard? Would my ego have been spared had I just been sent to public school? What did this experience really teach me?

My parents rallied to get me in because they knew I was good enough. Had they taken the rejection with ease and put me in a public school, I wouldn't have been spared the pain of rejection. That experience taught me valuable life lessons that marked me for life. For the first six months of school, I kept a low profile because I felt like an inadequate imposter. As my parents reinforced their belief in me, I came out of my shell. I broke through my self-judgement, vowing to make my years matter. 

I went on to be class president for three years and on class council the other two. I was winning public speaking and debating competitions. I trained hard to finish a 5 km race; despite thinking I lacked discipline and perseverance. My parents may have fought for my spot, but I made sure to leave my mark. I challenged the status quo and encouraged my peers to think outside the box. My fondest memory was dressing as a condom (inspired by Madonna) for Halloween....in a school run by nuns! It wasn't long before I stood out, wanting to be remembered as the girl who always spoke up, preferred to lead rather than follow, and never accepted defeat without even trying. 

To all the parents riding this roller coaster, you need to know that your children are still developing their self-esteem. The results of these exams matter. They matter to them, to you, and they matter because we all want to be good enough and accepted. The take away from all of this is that no matter the results, your children need to be reassured that they are loved no matter what and their results will not define their level of enough. Each child will pave their path their way. We're there to supply the encouragement that no matter how uneven or bumpy their path will be, we love it just the same. You can fight for your kids, like my parents did. You can reinforce that you believe in their abilities. You can be their loudest cheerleader. What happens now will mark them forever, but how YOU respond can scar them. So be gentle, speak with compassion. And for the parents with honour roll kids who'll be accepted in every school, your reaction matters just as much. Celebrate their accomplishments, but always bring the message back to love. If one day they do fail (because they will), they'll know you love them just the same. Because while accolades can define your intelligence, how you love and feel loved, holds the highest honour.

I didn't get accepted into private school, yet I was successful once I was there. To all the twelve year olds on this journey, including our inner child, remember that these results, "accepted or rejected" will not define who you are or who you'll become. The fact that you're showing up to even write these exams is huge! From my experience, I know this for sure: your toughest competition is yourself and always will be. Only you can really accept yourself before anyone else and you're loved just as you are. Keep shining your light!