I Wish I Could Call in Sick

Three pairs of socks and two polos later, she still struggles with her morning outfit. But wait! She wears a uniform and she now has ten minutes for breakfast, hair, and hygiene. And since she's a girl, hair consumes half of our morning ritual. "Make my ponytail tighter! Put another elastic. It's too high! No, it's too low! Wait, I see a "bosse" (bump)! Redo it."
Four hair elastics later, I'm wondering if she's getting enough oxygen to her brain. When she jets off, slamming the door behind her, I'm reassured that indeed there's no interrupted flow of oxygen, hence her behaviour is on point!
Mornings at my house come with an advisory - thunder with chances of life-threatening lightning. There's a lot of noise: deep breathing, sighs, whining, and when everyone is at snail pace, there's screaming. When I tell my daughter she just lost a privilege for slamming the door, she tells me she won't hug me at the school gate. And when I tell her she's lucky she even has a mom, she tells me, "I have Daddy and Nonna". Where did I go wrong? What did I eat during the nine months that she was developing? Why am I failing at motherhood? I wish I could call in sick!
We all have those days, when we look at our kids, wondering if we were accidentally slipped acid during pregnancy. Who is this little being with a sharp tongue and eyes of blame? I won't go down the "When I was a kid..." path, but heck I know for sure I wasn't lippy with my mom at six years old. Needless to say, I was eager to drop her off at school today. I felt guilty (30 seconds) that her day was starting in a bad mood, but that was her choice. I know she's only six, but while I'm at work, I'm sure she's taking extra classes on manipulation.
The reason why I'm actually sharing this info, is because I've been on mommy blogs like, "Hands Free Mama" and "The Orange Rhino -365 day challenge of no yelling" to improve at this job. Oh yes, I've got my resources for improvement all highlighted in my favorites. Suddenly, instead of thinking "I love watching you play", I'm thinking, "I love watching you go to school for 8 hours". And then I read how yelling shuts down communication (however, my girl fights for the last word). Or how "nothing changes until you do". Ouch! When do we catch a break?
To all you moms out there who can relate to the frustrations of raising a child, that makes you work overtime without pay, let's hug it out in cyberspace. This morning my thoughts were filled with a list of whys and whats. I still ask why I can't seem to manage her behaviour or what I'm doing wrong. We want our kids to reflect back what we give them - love, support, compassion; not yelling or impatience.  Of course when they yell or lose patience with us, we'd rather ignore them or pretend they're not ours.
I'm not trying to achieve a standard of perfection in parenting. I don't believe that exists. All I want is a child who'll give me a hug even when they don't feel it's deserved. But most importantly I want my child to listen without fighting for the last word. As a mom, you try to build a relationship with your daughter that's fun, unconventional, and easy, but that's unrealistic. This recipe is far more complicated than a vegan lasagna. No one said motherhood was easy, nor did it claim that we'd understand that they're exactly the person they're supposed to be. "And that, if you're lucky, she just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you're supposed to be". Some reflection required.
Thanks for stumbling along with me as I navigate through mothership without a helmet. Let's all smile, laugh a little, and admit we'd like to call in sick some days.

Listen




Seven Chakras - your gateway to self-discovery

It's been too long since we last spoke. Actually I spoke and you listened. I'm beginning to think that part of the reason my throat chakra is still derailed, is because I miss being listened to, by you. You're far more than simply a reader to me. You're my platform where I can share all my worries, celebrate achievements, bitch about my ego, all in hope that I have helped a single soul feel better.
Over the past three years, I've developed this desire to help anyone wishing to deepen their relationship with themselves. Through teaching yoga, I'm also satisfying a need to be needed by others. I began writing this blog out of boredom and curiosity. Who would read? What would they think? How would they feel? I kept this blog as my diary to the world, sharing whatever I felt - happy, sad, angry, confused, cranky. After every post, I felt a little closer to my spirit, for every word had weight. Some words were light and fun, while others were heavy, yet once typed, became soft. I never held my words back, keeping my feelings real in every post. So, it's been way too long since we last touched base. Boy, how I've missed you!
This past month has been loaded with change. I changed work environment, my daughter started first grade, and my three year old started hockey. Those changes have all been scary, but exciting simultaneously. But I've also been experiencing physical shifts that brought me to deep reflection. I got my first vaginal infection, followed by a minor cold that stole my voice for an entire day. My body was clearly responding to my thoughts, my emotions, combined with all the change that came through this month.
I guess I've been struggling with creative expression since I broke up with my 5-days-a-week, too-many-hours-to-count, career. I have no regrets about trading high heels for barefeet, insanity for sanity. As much as I love my life, the fact that I don't fill my hours with 'a career' can be challenging for me. Teaching yoga is an absolute blessing, but five hours a week just isn't enough. Yikes, I thought I got divorced from the word 'enough' years ago. Here come those old, limited beliefs, creeping up again that include having to be somewhere, doing something for at least 7 hours a day. Yes, evidently my ego has joined our convo. That relationship is still unbroken.
September has been an enlightening month for me. My physical blockages manifested into infection, as well as a silent voice. Losing my voice would probably be my body's most obvious way to get me to listen. My creativity has been on pause for some time (hence my lack of writing). Given that I'm a highly creative individual, that fact has been difficult to swallow. When my voice went out, I realized that I've tuned out the voices around me, as well as my inner voice.
So why am I sharing my gynecological issues with you? Because I cannot stress enough how important it is to LISTEN to your body! The fact is the body responds to blockages, usually caused by emotional damage. Take time to listen, reflect, and react to what is going on inside you. We all have old wounds buried within us. Sometimes we just get stuck in limited beliefs, insecurities, judgement, fear, blame, which we'd rather ignore.
As always, I continue to experience, to grow, to fall over and to learn. Had I not been hit with a double dose of physical obstacles, I'm not sure I'd be writing today. And as each typed letter revealed a word, I discovered that I continue to be challenged by my ego. May we all listen to our inner voice a little better, choose a little wiser, so we may live to our body's full capacity of a balanced mind and spirit.