My Survival Story

When you can grow through a crack

I was sitting on the bathroom floor, in my hotel room, overwhelmed with emotion. My body was trembling. My teeth were chattering. Tears were pouring down my face. All I could think was, “How can I care for two children, if I can’t even take care of myself?” And then the hole got deeper, the light was dimming, and the only thing I could hear, were my thoughts of inadequacy. I wanted to escape from my mind, break free from my body. Seconds became minutes, and the longer I sat in my suffering, the louder the thoughts were yelling, "You're never going to get through this. You can't even control your body. You don't deserve the love and support behind this door. Who are you, anyway?"

It’s a dark and lonely place. You feel completely disconnected from your truth. You don’t recognize who you are. As a result, you prefer to isolate yourself from any social function on your calendar. You’re trying to control your feelings, but you’re constantly defeated. That’s how I felt when I hit postpartum, rock bottom.

Once our family vacay was over, I came back home, looking for help. I miraculously found a psychotherapist to guide me through my healing. My sessions were twice a week, for almost six months. I had to write in my journal in-between sessions and submit my work for review. Every entry I wrote was discussed. It was the hardest work I have ever done in my life. I was unpeeling 35 years of accumulated feelings that had nowhere to go. When we repress emotions, they settle in our muscles. That’s why we have tension in our bodies. All the tears we hold back, all the unspoken words, all the resentment we refuse to release, stay inside. When the feelings run out of places to go, you’re faced with a choice: break open or break down. I’m here today because I broke open. Every finger I ever pointed came back to me. Every personality trait I disliked in others, came back to me. Every story I told, came back to me. I had to take accountability for my role. I had to see myself through the eyes of others. I had to find God in myself, so I could see God in the cruelest person. I had to make peace with every old wound, so I could love myself again. I was lucky. Kate Spade was not. Anthony Bourdain was not. Robbin Williams was not. Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Kurt Cobain, Alexander McQueen, and many more, were not.

I was blessed with the tools to get me through any situation. Aside from therapy, I prayed a shit load, practiced yoga consistently, even cried through every meditation. I showed up for myself. Even through the thick mud I was treading, I kept looking for the light. “It can’t be dark forever”, I thought. I used my tools all the time. I still live surrounded by statues of Ganesha (remover of obstacles) and other healing deities. I clear the energy around me with sage. I use mala beads to pray and meditate. I write. I read. I keep growing through it all. We have this incredible power within us. The problem lies in our repetitive thoughts. These thoughts feed off each other. The instant a thought of unworthiness surfaces, within seconds, they’re accelerating at a record breaking pace. It’s like a never ending replay race, until the baton falls. You either start over again or you change your pattern. It’s tricky, but when you're committed to working on yourself from the inside out, you get better at the game. The most effective tool that saved me, was my breath. Breathing is the only way to calm the nervous system. I learned how to breathe with awareness and it. saved. my. life!

I will repeat what I wrote after Kate Spade’s death: To believe that your presence, your voice, your humour, your wit, your ideas, even the simplicity of your smile, has absolutely NO worth in this world, is the most heartbreaking lie anyone can believe about themselves. To sit with dark thoughts of inadequacy, unworthiness, or shame, is sadly, a familiar place for many of us. If you're curled up in that dark hole, this is the message you've been waiting for: You are the Greatest Miracle in the World. Every second before you is a blessing. And if pain is your subject, polish it, and share it with us. Those with the same pain will heal with you. Everyone benefits from your healing. It's a ripple effect. Break down to break open, but please, don't stay broken.

Your friend will not call you to say she’s derailed. She will withdraw. Your sister will not burden you with her erratic thoughts. She will keep them to herself. Your co-worker will not risk being judged by his feelings. He will keep them hidden. There are signs. Look for them. But before you can do that, please look within yourself, at your shit, and accept it. Once you can look at your own darkness, you can then recognize it and accept it in others. And remember, we’re all walking each other home. No one is winning any prize at the end. The prize is in the moments, the journey, the process, the battle, the uncertainty, the struggle, the pain. Surviving is the win.