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| Fashionably Sad |
I have a dear friend who was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer this year. Another friend's mom was just diagnosed as well. I have a friend who lost a child; two other friends that lost their husbands. Another friend lost her dad and I lost my grandmother this year. Where will each one of us go from here? And will we try to dodge the pain or face it?
When my friend hit her vulnerable button, making me the only witness to her meltdown, I sighed with silent relief. She, on the other hand, almost slapped herself for crying. "I'm a happy person. I hate feeling sad," she exclaimed. Let's pause for a minute for a reality check. Which human being is constantly happy? No one, right! You can't possibly go through life with a permanent smile on your face. That's just bullshit. There's no truth in always being happy or positive. Everyone has their Debbie Downer moments - that's the truth.
As I encouraged her to cry, she reminded me that crying meant she was weak. Well if I was diagnosed with cancer, under 40, with 2 young children, I'd be a hot mess, and I'd drink to that! Here's the deal - you can't bypass the pain. If you keep suppressing the sadness, how do you think that will serve you? You're broken. Acknowledge the fact that you’re hurting. Let the emotions rise to the surface, so the grief can pour over. CRY. CRY. Cry so much that your heart literally hurts.
During lunch with a broken friend, she told me no one likes to be sad. I disagree. I think we're afraid of our own sadness. If we were uncomfortable with sadness, Grey’s Anatomy wouldn't be a hit series. The truth is we allow ourselves to cry for others’ heartbreak, but struggle with our own. So we’re compassionate with other people’s sadness, to the point where we’re crying with them, but when it comes to our mess, we’d rather turn a blind eye.
I can’t tell you if the following chapter holds the happy ending. I also won’t tell you that it’ll get better. Some circumstances are so painful that I can only hope a person can move forward with an optimistic heart. What I know for sure is that sadness has a right to live just as much as happiness does. Stop listening to people who tell you to stop crying when you do. They're just uncomfortable seeing you suffer. Find a trustworthy friend that you can share your pain with. But before you can do that, you gotta refrain from judging your reaction to your own pain, when it pops up.
You're allowed to say that today is not a good day for you. Give yourself permission to be in a bad mood. When your emotions start to get turbulent, allow yourself to ride the bumps. Have your ‘cure kit’ handy (deep breaths, a box of Kleenex, a pillow to pound, scream, or cry in). I’ve been there too. God knows I’ve showered my yoga mat with plenty of mucus and tears over the years. It took me a long time to explore blockages that brought me deeper suffering. I’ve been there and I continue to go there when I need to.
As we prepare for the holidays, let’s remember that although it’s not the hap-happiest season of all for some of us, it’s OK. Be true to your emotions. Let them live. For 2014, I wish you all an explosion of champagne tears. There's always light after the darkness...there will be happy after sad, and although I can’t promise true happiness will ever be the same, know that we’re all a little broken and that's OK.
